For Goods & Services Rendered

Another installment in my 20 Things series: #5 "Do things for people because you want to, not because you expect something in return. It'll save you a lot of heartache and resentment."


Cultural norms around these parts are not like those of other places (duh). One of these norms is marrying young. Both by choice of my own and from lack of a suitable suitor, I didn't get married the first time around until I was 24. Which is right on the heels of "old maid" status around here. Looking back I realize just how young 24 really is, but I digress. There were many lessons I learned through those extra years of dating. I'd say 90% of those lessons weren't exactly fun to experience, but 100% of what I learned was, and still is incredibly useful to me. I'm glad I learned early on and I'm grateful for the extra time I was given to grow and develop myself.  

Several years ago I read "The 5 Love Languages" and determined that my 'love language' is acts of service. I don't always do the best at telling people I love them or writing heartfelt cards. It's easier for me to show someone I love them by doing things for them.

During my dating years this was a blessing and curse. It was a blessing in the sense that it weeded out a lot of guys that didn't appreciate the things I did for them, and a curse in that it was heartbreaking when someone didn't reciprocate and/or appreciate me in return. I would plan a nice birthday dinner or clean a bachelor pad kitchen, detail a car or make cookies. Time after time these nice gestures were overlooked-- sometimes without so much as a 'thank you.' Here I'd done this thing to show how much I cared and wasn't shown the same appreciation and generosity in return.

Of course after this happened over and over again I began to feel resentful and used. I couldn't understand how these men weren't worshipping the ground I walked on and gushing about how awesome of a girlfriend I was. What more did they want from me?

As you can imagine the treatment I received eventually broke me of my generosity habit. It was like a switch went off in my brain and I resolved that I would never again do anything for anybody unless I truly wanted to and expected nothing in return. My life improved immediately.

After that decision was made I would check myself (and still do) to make sure that any gifts or services I wanted to give were purely for the happiness of the receiver. Any good deeds I do because I genuinely want to. Using this approach I have never once been disappointed because someone didn't do something nice for me. I've never been upset because someone forgot my birthday and I haven't felt resentful from lack of appreciation.

This change of attitude has completely revamped my relationships. It helped to remove people from my life that were not adding to my happiness. Not only that, the people I am now surrounded by show the same love, concern, and appreciation towards me as I do towards them. This balance is what we are all striving towards. Nobody can continue to give and give and give without receiving, otherwise at the end of it all, there's nothing left to give. It's healthy, heartfelt give-AND-take that brings us joy and I feel lucky to have learned this so early.

"Neither Do They Spin"

This post is a continuation of my "20 Things" series.

I’m not a worrier. Not that I NEVER worry about things, it’s just one something I’m not very good at. See, my brain is kind of weird. Anytime I have any sort of unrest… be it a problem I’m trying to figure out or a situation I’m unsure of or anything else that requires worrying, my brain goes into overload and won’t stop thinking about it. It’s very stressful and I’m just not good at dealing with stress. So, in order to keep functioning, I’ve developed a coping mechanism.

Here’s how it works:

A problem arises. First, I figure out if I can do anything about it. If I can’t, I block it from my brain. If I can, it goes on in the process and I brainstorm possible solutions.

Brainstorming is the most lengthy part of my problem solving process. If I know I can do something about the problem but don’t  have any immediate solutions, I’ll put the issue on the back burner of my brain and keep my eyes peeled for ideas in my day to day life. Solutions pop up in the most random places and if my mind is tuned in to look for them, I’ll pick up on the ideas even if I’m not actively worrying about it 24/7. For more straight forward issues, I’ll draw up a mental list of possibilities.

When all the ideas are formed, I weigh the consequences (good and bad) of each choice. Sometimes the solution is obvious. Sometimes it’s not. When it’s not, and I don’t know what to do, I just pick one. I go with my gut and choose an option and go with it. I figure once I have all of the information collected, thinking about it over and over and over isn’t going to be productive. I’m not going to get any farther so I might as well just make a decision.

Now, the final key is, once I make a decision, it’s permanent. I make up my mind and that’s it. Going back to the problem and second-guessing myself only negates all of my previous mental deliberation and toils and brings back the stress that my brain so strongly needs to be rid of. Once the choice is made I don’t think about the problem anymore.

This may seem like kind of a harsh system, but for me it’s a sanity saver. Stress is the one thing that really affects my happiness level, so when I have issues weighing me down, it’s in my best interest to get rid of them asap, otherwise I’m a mess.

These days whenever I find myself starting to worry about something, I pull up a mental chart like this one and STOP WORRYING.

Perfection: The New Boring

This is the second installment in the backstories behind my 20 tidbits of knowledge.

I hesitate a little to write this post because it addresses a topic that I don't typically bring up: religion. My religious views have changed drastically over the last few years and while I know it's the right thing for me, it's not always easy on my family. When I don't know how to talk about something uncomfortable, I tend to not talk at all. Which is why you haven't heard me talk about religion up to this point. Thing is, a lot of the things I have learned going through this change in beliefs are the things that ended up on my all important list mentioned above. So it's sort of impossible not to talk about.

For the first 27 years of my life I was taught to strive for perfection. One of the base beliefs of my Mormon religion was to continually pursue perfection and use the repentance process for any mistakes I made.When the time came to meet my maker, if I'd done everything I could, Christ would make up the difference and I'd be on the train to heaven. Which sounds like a good plan, no?

Amongst all my striving to be good and doing all the things I was supposed to, there was always the thought that "you could still do more." There was always more I could do. I'd think I was doing a pretty good job and then come Sunday I'd be listening to a lesson about food storage or personal prayer or serving others and I'd always think... "man, I'm not doing any of this. I should do these things. I could do these things if I really wanted to." But I never seemed to be able to put them into action, at least at any level I thought I was capable of. I always felt a little guilty that in my spare time I did things like watch t.v. or go hiking or some other hobby instead of taking a bowl of chicken soup to the widow down the street. Every week I'd go home from church feeling horrible about myself. I was clearly not as good as the people sitting around me. I felt like a fraud.

During my transition out of the church, because of my new beliefs, I made a conscious choice to stop trying to be perfect. I no longer cared if I was perfect. I didn't really want to be perfect, truth be told. As soon as I made that decision, I suddenly felt free. I didn't have a mountain of guilt constantly weighing me down. I dumped all the things I'd always been told I should do and did what I wanted for once. And it was amazing.

Now instead of feeling guilty for taking some time for myself, I feel happy and recharged. When I do things for other people it's because I genuinely want to, not because I feel like I have to fill up some invisible bucket of "good deeds." I don't feel like I have to censor my personality anymore and my self-esteem has never been better.

What if we were all perfect? Nobody ever made a mistake. Nobody ever burnt a roast. Everybody would always agree because we'd all have the same perfect opinion about everything. We'd all have fit, trim, perfectly shaped bodies. We'd all be perfect at sports and singing and any other thing we tried to do. And we'd all be bored out of our minds.

The people that I've always found most interesting and fun to be around are those that are the most flawed. They swear or laugh at inappropriate things or dress a little crazy. It's when we break out of that perfect mold that we are at our most human. I don't want everybody to be the same. I want to be an individual. I want to be "perfectly" flawed.

It's a Boy Thing

My wonderful friend Heidi had the fabulous idea that I tell the back story on how each of my 20 things came into existence. How they came to be one of my life's lessons. There's a lot to tell, but I'll give it a go.

I grew up in a family full of girls. My dad applied the "3 strikes and you're out" rule in his hopes for a boy and then took what he got and was happy with it. He didn't shun his fatherly duties to his brood of girly children.

I really think my sisters and I were the benefactors of a boy-less family. My dad didn't have a son to take shooting or teach about football or do yard work. So he taught us. I'm not sure if he would have taken this same approach otherwise, though I like to think he would. Just maybe not to the extent that we experienced it. We learned how to mow the lawn when we were big enough to push the mower around the yard and continued to do so until we moved out of the house. We participated in family games of football and basketball. We hiked and camped and learned how to build fires and set up tents. We shot large guns, shoveled snow, and learned how to change a tire. We did it all and we didn't think twice about it.

I was never told I couldn't do something because I was a girl. If I wanted to try something, I was allowed to. Unfortunately my dad didn't get any daughters that were sports fanatics or hunting gurus, but he did get daughters that are well-rounded individuals that don't act like helpless idiots.

These days when I see something I want to do, I don't really consider if it's a girl thing or a boy thing, I just do it. Because of this my life has evolved into something I really love. When I went to school to get an electronics degree, I was the only girl in my class. Now I work in an engineering group where once again, I'm the only girl and I really enjoy what I do. I like to fly fish and camp. I've learned how to use power tools and how to do lots of home improvement projects. I also love to cook and get my hair done and put on make-up. I like jewelry and decorating my house. I've just adopted all the things I like to do and put the rest by the wayside.

So, as I'm raising Sylvie and any other kids I may have in the future, I want to treat them as strong, capable individuals in the hopes that they'll become such. It's one of the many lessons I learned from my parents that I want to pass onto my kids. And hopefully they'll find it just as beneficial as I have.

20 Things I Want My Daughter to Know

I read a blog post today called "100 Things I Want to Teach My Daughter" and I have to say I was a little disappointed by a lot of the cheesy "lessons" it included. Is it really necessary to "dance while you do laundry"? Go ahead and do it if you like, but it seems to me that there are so many things that I feel a real urgency to teach my daughter. These are truths I've learned for myself... many times by a series of hard-knocks. This is what I want my daughter to know:

1. Just because it's a "boy" thing doesn't mean you can't try it. Or like it. Or thrive doing it.
2. Being perfect is boring. Celebrate your weaknesses as much as your strengths. It's what gives you personality.
3. Don't be in a hurry to get married. You change so much from the time you graduate high school through your mid-twenties that you'll be shocked at how different you become. Use all those extra years to be free, have fun, and see what's out there. It's the only time you have to do whatever you want.
4. Be financially smart. Live within your means. Don't use a credit card. Save for the things you want. Financial holes are really hard to dig yourself out of. These financial rules may be old, but they work.
5. Do things for people because you want to, not because you expect something in return. It'll save you a lot of heartache and resentment.
6. When choosing who you want to be with for the rest of your life, make sure they'd "swim across a shark infested lake to get you a lemonade." And make sure you'd do the same for them.
7. Smile and be nice. You'll be surprised how far that gets you in life.
8. Treat others how you'd like to be treated.
9. Take care of yourself. Exercise, put make-up on & do your hair, put on real clothes. It'll do wonders for your self-esteem.
10. Expectations are the seed of disappointment.
11. The only person you can change is yourself.
12. Don't worry about things you can't control. Change/fix/control what you can and forget about the rest.
13. Look out for #1. If you don't treat yourself well and lookout for you, nobody will. Don't lose yourself in somebody else. Know what you like, do what you like, do things because YOU want to.
14. Don't take anybody's word for it. Develop your own opinions about people and things. Otherwise you're sure to miss out on a lot of good relationships and experiences.
15. Spend your time doing things you like. No sense in wasting your life doing things you think you "should" do.
16. Be self-sufficient. Learn how to cook & clean. Educate yourself. Be able to make your own money.
17. Try not to put too much stock in the events of your adolescence. Friends, situations, relationships, and looks are fleeting. It's not as horrible as it seems and it'll get much better. Really.
18. Ask for help.
19. Try new things. Food, experiences, friends... it'll keep you from getting bored and you'll find new favorite things and talents in the process.
20. You'll always be loved by your parents no matter what. If it makes you happy, it makes us happy. We'll always be proud to call you our daughter.