The Postpartum Body and You

I think I was well prepared for the changes my body went through during pregnancy. I knew about pretty much everything I experienced... the swelling, the achy feet, the constant peeing, the flatulence. But this postpartum stuff has sort of taken me by surprise. Not that there's been much I hadn't heard about before. I think the difference is, the things you experience during pregnancy you know are just temporary so you deal with them knowing they'll go away soon. While some postpartum stuff is just temporary, a lot of it is not. A lot of the changes to your body are permanent and it's kind of weird trying to get used to this new body that is completely different than the one you've known all your life.

One thing I was extremely happy about was the quick weight loss. I gained over 50 pounds while I was pregnant and was really worried about getting rid of all that extra weight. I felt like I hadn't gone too crazy with the eating so the 50 pound gain seemed like a lot. Lucky for me most of that weight was fluid. I think I lost 35 pounds within the first 2 months. The last 15 pounds came off somewhat steadily over the last 2-3 months from a combination of nursing and going on almost daily walks.

The thing is, even though I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, my body looks completely different. There's now a small pooch on my stomach covered in stretch marks and slightly saggy skin. There's an extra fold and a scar from my c-section. My thighs, torso, and breasts also have their fair share of stretch marks. And I'm still getting used to these huge (less than perky) bewbs. Ok so maybe they aren't that big, but to me they are. I'm not used to things bouncing around when I run or jog down the stairs. I used to think I wanted big boobs but now that I have them I realize what a pain they are! On the up side, I have 2 new places to hold pencils.

During my pregnancy I think I lost about 5 hairs total, so I wasn't surprised when a couple months after giving birth my hair began to fall out in mass quantities. The shower drain would get clogged every morning from the fall out. I couldn't run my hand over my hair without losing several strands. I was starting to get worried I was going to go bald when the loss tapered off. I still lose a little more than normal, but it's definitely getting better. Which is a good thing because my temples were starting to look thin. Also, my hair was on EVERYTHING. I felt like a cat shedding its winter coat. So annoying to have hairs everywhere! The hair loss wasn't such a bad thing though because that thick luxurious mane took a really long time to dry in the morning. I'm glad to have my usual amount of hair back and will never wish for thick hair again.

One thing I was not prepared for was a change in my skin. My skin used to be so oily and now it's dry as a bone! I have to wear moisturizing make-up to keep the flaky patches at bay. Which really isn't so terrible especially since my acne has all but disappeared! Woohoo! I'm hoping it lasts but I'm pretty sure it will go back to normal as soon as I stop nursing. The one bad thing about having dry skin is ALL my skin is dry, including my scalp. I've tried everything and it's still dry and flaky and itchy. I've always had problems with my scalp, but never this bad. I really can't wait for this to go away!

I lost a lot of my muscle tone while I was pregnant, mainly because I didn't exercise like I should have. Unfortunately that means I now have flat mommy butt. Nothing a few lunges can't fix though, right? The good news is my arms are getting pretty tough! Carrying a baby around all the time will definitely help in the toning department.

I've heard the sentiments before about how women didn't appreciate their pre-pregnancy body until it was gone, but didn't understand it until now. I do miss the old me. But, this new body is all I've got and really it's not so bad. In fact it's helped me to appreciate some of the things I formerly saw as flaws. And the things that have changed I'll eventually get used to. My body is still healthy and allows me to be active and do the things I want to do. Plus it gave me my beautiful daughter so what more can I ask?

Week 34: Cantaloupe

This week we went in for a 34 week ultrasound and found out a bunch of interesting details about our girl. They say she weighs about 6.1 pounds and is in the 70% percentile for weight, or 2 weeks ahead of schedule. She's got a little hair and chubby cheeks AND..... she's still breech. So that stresses me out a little. But, at least she's big enough at this point to not be super small if she comes out.

So since she's breech, I've been reading up on the Internets to see if there was anything I could do to try and get her to turn. I found this website that had a few weird suggestions and thought it was all a bunch of nonsense until the nurse at our birthing class repeated the same exact tactics. Here were just a few:

1. Stand on your head in a pool.

Ok really? I don't know how I'm going to do that and even if I could, the 5 seconds I'd be able to stay under water wouldn't really be enough time to make a difference.

2. Clip clothespins to the outsides of your pinky toes.

Apparently this spot is tied to the uterus in reflexology and supposedly makes it relax enough to allow the baby to turn.

3. Stick headphones down your pants so they're near your pelvis and play classical music.

I don't even know why this is supposed to work.... the baby wants to turn to get closer to the music?

4. Put your shoulders on the floor and butt up in the air (modified downward dog) and stay like that for an hour.

I'm not joking... the nurse lady at the birthing class actually demonstrated this one. It was a horrifying and awkward 10 seconds. Even if I could get in that position, there's no way I'd be able to stay like that for an hour.

5. Put an ice pack on your belly where the baby's head is.

I guess this makes their head cold so they move. To me this was the most plausible solution.


So I figured I should combine some of these tactics to be really sure I can get her to turn. Tomorrow I plan on standing on my head in a pool all afternoon with clothespins on my pinky toes. On the next day I'm going to strap an ice pack to my belly, stick some head phones down my pants, and get in the modified downward dog pose for a few hours. If that doesn't work, looks like I'll have to get those hypnotism dvds I've heard about...

Week 33: Pineapple

I know... there's been a lot of baby posts lately. But I'm 33 weeks pregnant over here. There's not a whole lot of exciting things I can do right now!

The last few weeks have been interesting. I thought I'd hit the "uncomfortable" stage when this baby seemed to shift further down into my pelvis. All of a sudden my walk was very slow and standing up in general didn't feel that great. After several days of this, I woke up one morning and realized I felt completely normal again. I'm really hoping it stays like that until baby is actually ready to come out.

Little Sylvie has also started what I call "alien movements"... you know... the longer slow movements that look like an alien is moving around in your stomach. She still mainly does the short quick movements lower in my abdomen, but over the last few days I've noticed larger movements. Usually I'll be sitting there with my arms folded across my stomach and all of a sudden my arm will raise up. I haven't been able to distinguish which body part is pushing on me, but she's definitely building up some muscles in there!

One of the recent bonuses of being pregnant was my first Mother's Day. Seth got me a gift certificate for the salon I go to and adamantly specified that I use it on some sort of spa services, not something practical like getting my hair cut. So, this last weekend I got a much needed pedicure (I haven't had one in years!) and this weekend I'll be going in for a pregnancy massage. Woohoo! He definitely does a good job of taking care of me.


We're pretty much just playing the waiting game now. All the must haves are ready to go so we're mainly stocking up on information. We started a 4 week bout of birthing classes over at the hospital and actually learned a thing or two so far, which was nice. If anything we'll have a couple extra tools to use when the time comes, just in case I need it. Plus it's just a fun thing to do together. I'm also trying to get through a book or two that cover the basics of early babyhood so I don't look like a total idiot by putting a diaper on backwards or something. When you have almost no baby experience like me, you don't take any of these tips for granted!

The Nursery

So I've slowly but surely been putting together the nursery. This is what I have so far and I'm loving it! The beige rectangle across the back is the color on the walls and the fabric swatches are what I'll be using for the bedding (and a throw pillow & changing pad cover or two). I also got this awesome wall decal set, but with dark yellow birds instead of blue. I'm so excited for it to get here so I can see what it looks like up on the wall! I think it's fitting for a girl whose name means "Of the forest." Just a couple little projects here and there and this place will be all ready for my Sylvie!

Week 26: English Cucumber

Man I swear the time is just flying by. I can't believe I'm already at 26 weeks! I'm still feeling great though and can't believe how easy I've had it. I have to say I expected much worse. I expected crazy mood swings filled with crying and irrationality and outbursts. Nope. Nothing. I swear my chemicals are pretty much the same as they are normally. I also haven't had any cravings of any kind, which I have to admit is a little disappointing. I thought I'd at least be able to get away with a midnight pie demand or two.

I am definitely slowing down as the days progress. I walk slower and notice my feet start to hurt from standing a lot earlier than they used to. At my last appointment my doctor mentioned how I'd "blossomed" since last time. Meaning I'd gained a bit of weight. But after man-handling my legs he chalked it up to fluid retention. I've definitely gotten puffier these last couple weeks. My wedding ring barely fits and I've had to skip a couple days because my finger was just too fat to get it on (and have any confidence I'd get it off again!). I'm also starting to get some serious cankles, especially on my left side. I tried to put on a pair of strappy sandles this last weekend and could barely get the thing done up because my foot was so chunky! And speaking of strapping on shoes... it's getting to be almost impossible for me to bend over that far. Tying my shoes, putting my pants on, & picking things up off the floor is starting to be quite the challenge. I either have to stand on one leg and balance or do a sumo squat to get down far enough. I look very graceful.

My sleeping situation continues to be going well, although the rolling over from side to side is becoming more of a challenge. Sometimes I feel like a turtle stuck on its back. Every night when I get in bed and shift around to get comfortable it sounds like I'm running a marathon or lifting a 200 lb. barbell over my head.

I failed to mention we have a name picked out! Sylvia Kay Hanson. I think it's got a nice ring to it!  I think our little Sylvie likes it too from all this kicking she's been doing. Seth finally got to feel a good kick or two. He's also taken to doing tummy blows on me as his way of saying "hi" to his baby girl. He's such a good dad already! I also finally picked out some colors for the nursery... here's a swatch of the fabric I got for the crib skirt. I'm probably going to add some yellow/green accents in the room too so it's not too pink. 

As the weeks fly by I find myself getting increasingly worried about our girl coming early. It seems like there's so much more to do and I hope I can get it all done by the time she gets here. Extreme preemie babies aren't uncommon in my family so I'm hoping she'll listen to me and stay in there until at least week 36 or so. We'll see how well she listens to her mother!

Week 23: Eggplant

These last few weeks have been really low-key and easy for me, which I definitely appreciate. I can tell this little girl is getting bigger by the day. She's a regular mover and kicker and seems to be most active in the later morning hours, always kicking me when I'm sitting at my desk at work. She isn't quite big enough to feel her regularly on the outside though. I've only felt her kick a couple times and Seth felt her once.

My belly continues to grow and the stretch marks and itchiness have definitely come on full-force. They seem to be spreading out all over... my belly, inner thighs, hips, & bewbs. I was always scared of the stretch marks but now that they're here, they don't bother me like I thought they would. I see them as a sign that my daughter is getting bigger and they've become kind of a badge of honor. She's definitely worth a couple battle scars.

Along with my belly getting bigger, I've found that normal sleeping positions just don't work for me anymore. A few weeks ago when I was sick, I slept propped up on pillows to keep from coughing, and found it was actually more comfortable to sleep that way instead of flat. So, these days I sleep on two pillows and get much better quality sleep. I can get my normal amount of sleep without waking up with an aching back.

I've started trying to plan what I want to do with the nursery and finally got the room completely cleared of office junk. Now it contains one large dresser (complete with one adorable newborn outfit from one of Seth's co-workers) and one large upholstered glider chair & ottoman. I've taken to using it as my reading room as the large window lets in a ton of sunlight and the glider is super comfy. Gracie also took an immediate liking to the chair and spends just about every morning snoozing away in it. Good thing the cat hair vacuums off easily. Anyway, I'm hoping I can pin down the rest of the decor in the next couple weeks. I think I'm going to go with a light aqua/turquoise and add some coral, light green, and/or yellow. Something gender-neutralish, colorful, and not too cutesy. Because I can tell you one thing, there's no way during all those hours of sitting and rocking and feeding my baby, that I'm going to stare at some garish huge vinyl cut-out of Winnie the Pooh on the wall (I hate Winnie the Pooh, can you tell?). Gotta please mom first, then baby!

It's a Girl!

After 21 weeks of waiting and guessing, we finally found out we're having a little girl! Seth and I were both pretty surprised as we both thought it was a boy. Now we'll have to start referring to 'her' instead of 'him'! Needless to say we're both super excited and we can't wait for Karen Jr. to get here!

This is her side profile. I think she has my nose!

 

This is a picture of her feet. Her 2nd toe is longer than her big toe... just like her dad!



We were happy to hear her growth is right on target and all of her parts look healthy. Looks like all those cookies I've been eating have paid off!

Week 19: Heirloom Tomato

Ok so first off, since when is an heirloom tomato 6" in diameter? Pretty sure they're just old-school regular tomatoes. Anyway, I'll get to the important stuff. So these last couple weeks have been pretty fun for the most part. Even though my belly is getting huger by the day, it seems like the back aches, especially while sleeping, have really let up. I've also started to feel this little baby moving around. It's really subtle and feels sort of like a pulsing or a really gentle finger poke. So far it's not strong enough that I can feel it with my hand or let Seth feel, but there's definitely some movement going on in there!

It's also funny to see people's reactions to my pregnancy. Acquaintances at work who I haven't told about the pregnancy directly, are really starting to be more confident in asking direct pregnancy questions like "oh, when are you due?" or "how's the baby coming along?" It's much more apparent that I'm pregnant and not just getting fat! It is humorous to watch people's eyes when they first see me because they'll look at my stomach first and then at my face. They try to be discrete about it but fail miserably... like my belly is a magnet and they can't help but look.

This week was a bit more rough because I got knocked out by a cold for a few days. Sure is a lot tougher being sick and not being able to take any good strong medicine. But the good and bad news is, the night before I ended up taking off sick from work I noticed our freezer died so the repairman came out to fix it the next day while I was home! And luckily our fridge still had another month left under warranty. Score! Ha ha...

And I know you've all been dying to see my pregnant belly so here it is in all its glory!

Week 17: Onion

Well here we are in week 17 and I'm still feeling pretty good. I have noticed all through the pregnancy that I've had short bursts of heartburn every now and then which I never get otherwise. And I know it sounds crazy, but most of the time the trigger is.... WATER. Not the super spicey Mexican food I get every Thursday for lunch or the bowl of icecream after dinner or a couple slices of garlicy pizza. WATER. I swear that stupid water is going to be the end of me. Can't live with it and can't live without it. Wish I could just drink Gatorade or diet coke all day.

I had another doctor appointment this week. Everything is going great and baby's heart rate is currently at 154 bpm. We finally got to make the appointment for the ultrasound where we'll find out if we're having a girl or a boy. March 19th is the big day! I can't wait!


So we were at a baby blessing this weekend and Seth's cousin mentioned how there are a lot of baby things people will try and guilt you into buying but aren't really necessary. Then today I was looking at all the different kinds of strollers and such and just getting overwhelmed at all the choices. So here's where you all get to help me. What were your favorite baby items? What did you end up not using? Are there absolute must-have items and/or things that were a total waste of money? Did certain styles of things like strollers and carriers work better for you than others? I don't know what I'm doing over here!

Week 16: Avocado

Geez time is going by fast! Week 16 already! I've gotten a little behind on the baby tracking, but it was sort of on purpose because not much has changed here in the last couple weeks. I've been in the sweet spot of no nausea and no other real ailments to speak of really. My back is pretty much the only thing that gives me any sort of problem and that's typically only after I've been sleeping for a while or if I've been sitting at my desk all day.

I notice that laying on my stomach is getting to be increasingly more uncomfortable and is it possible that I'm waddling? I swear I'm not that big yet but I feel like I've got a slight waddle to my walk these days.
I think the one thing that has greatly improved my quality of life over the last couple weeks is some new maternity clothes! The Walmart maternity jeans I ordered online fit great! Good thing they came when they did because this belly of mine was getting huger by the day. AND if that wasn't enough, my wonderful saint of a mother took me up to Park City to the Motherhood Maternity outlet store to find some new comfy clothes. After the horribly disappointing and frustrating shopping fiasco I had a week or so before, I was a little skeptical as to whether I'd be able to find anything. Imagine my delight and surprise when from my first steps into the store I was inundated with hoards of super cute clothes! JEANS! And t-shirts!! So many options! I had to try hard not to go overboard with my selections because they had so many things I liked that fit so well. It was worth the 50 minute drive to find one store that had everything I wanted. Plus the girl working there was so helpful. Really one of the best shopping experiences I've ever had. That's not to mention how much better I feel actually wearing all these new clothes. I feel so comfy AND stylish, not like some chunky, lumpy stuffed sausage waddling around. I swear my mood alone has improved at least 10 notches! I may just wear these clothes forever.

Other than that, we're slowly but surely getting the nursery put together. I still haven't decided on colors, but this weekend we finally moved the computer and most of the office things downstairs. Now I just need to put together that IKEA dresser we bought several weeks ago. I've also had the realization that having a baby is a lot like buying a house. You know there are going to be a lot of things you'll have to buy and things you have to prepare for, but I'm finding out just how huge of a task this is going to be. So many little furniture items and baby clothes and knick knacks. As soon as I decide on one item, I remember some other item I completely forgot about. "Oh yeah, guess we'll need to get a car seat to actually bring this kid home" or "Huh... probably should get a changing pad so we don't get poop on the carpet." It does make me feel better to know that I'll have a couple extra months to buy some of this stuff after the baby is born (because I'm sure I'll have LOADS of extra time). Things like high chairs and play pens and the like can take a backseat to other pressing items like a crib and onesies.

Well, we've got probably about 3-4 more weeks to go until we find out if this avocado is a boy or a girl. I have my next doctor appointment this coming Monday so I'm hoping we'll get to schedule the ultrasound then. So exciting!

Week 13: Peach

Well I've officially made it to my 2nd trimester! I can definitely tell already. I'd heard that nausea usually dissipates around this time and almost like clockwork, it did! Even my evening bouts haven't been around the last few nights. It's about time!

Luckily both the symptoms I mentioned last week... the tooth sensitivity and leg itchiness, have both gone away. So crazy. While most of the more severe symptoms have gone away, I've still got a couple lingering. One is a never-ending thirstiness. I'm so damn thirsty all the time. There's no quenching it. The other is backpain. I've had backpain since the earliest weeks. During the day I'm usually fine, it's sleeping that brings it on. After about 6 hours or so my lower back is killing me and I just toss and turn. I've tried sleeping with a body pillow or with a pillow between my knees but I can't stand sleeping like that and it also makes me really hot. Oh that's another thing... I get so hot at night! I always wake up just sweating! So if you've got tips for me I'm all ears. On a more positive note, at least it helps me wake up on time in the morning. No more sleeping in for me!

So these last couple weeks I've really noticed my belly start to pop (maybe one of these days I'll actually take some pictures!). Which means my pants are really snug. My generous sister Annie gave me a bunch of her maternity clothes to wear but unfortunately most of the jeans are either too short or I'm not big enough for them to stay up yet. I did try to go out and buy some maternity jeans but it proved to be a hugely frustrating experience. Mainly I couldn't find stores that carried maternity clothes, and those that did either didn't have jeans or were out of my size. I did end up buying one of those baby bands that you can wear over your unbuttoned regular jeans to hold them up. It worked well enough and I've worn it a couple times, but it feels sort of weird to me. Like I'm this crazy pervert lady walking around with my pants undone. I know nobody can see, but it still FEELS like my pants are undone. I did end up going online and purchased some maternity pants from Walmart that had good reviews. I'm really hoping they work out. If you've got any insider tips on some comfy, cheap, cute maternity jeans, please share!

I had another routine doctor appointment this week. Pretty much the same as last time: checking chemicals, my vitals (weight, blood pressure, heart rate), baby's heart rate, etc. Looks like the baby's heart rate hit its peak last time at 172 and is now back down to 154.
We've already starting planning out the nursery and getting things rearranged in the house. Our office is going to move downstairs to an extra bedroom so the baby can be right next to our room. We bought a dresser from IKEA and I'm hoping to get it put together as soon as we move the computer and other furniture out. I'm thinking about doing a gender neutral room... grays & browns with some other color mixed in, though not sure which. Maybe turquoise, yellow, or coral. You'd think I'd be more obsessed with finding a crib, but not so much. Cribs are easy. My focus right now is on finding a glider chair. I really want to get an upholstered glider/rocker and it's proving hard to find one that's reasonably priced AND the type of print I want. Surprise surprise, more rockers are either a solid color or have too cutesy patterns. I'm really loving the accent chairs that are popular these days and was hoping to apply that same concept to a glider. We'll see though... I may have to compromise a little.

Week 12: Plum

So I've missed writing about the last few weeks, but things have been fairly consistent around here. My nausea has really let up a lot and so long as I eat on a regular basis, I feel just fine. There are still a handful of foods that don't sound too appealing, but for the most part, I've been able to eat a much wider variety. Well, except for at night. Breakfast and lunch I feel almost normal. When it comes to dinner time, some switch goes off and the nausea comes back. Which doesn't really work out too well for Seth. He's had a lot of macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles lately. Although, I do try to cook when I can.

The larger pants I bought several weeks ago are already getting too tight. Looks like it's time to start looking for some maternity pants. I can't wait for that elasticy goodness... I'm wishing I could wear my stretchy pajama pants to work!
Now for a couple weird pregnancy symptoms. Starting several weeks ago my legs would itch like crazy, especially when going to bed at night. I put lotion on in the morning and thought it was just due to the dry winter air. But nothing was helping! Like clockwork as soon as I got in bed my legs, especially my shins and calves would just itch like crazy! I finally checked it out and sure enough... it's one of those random things that shows up. Good news is, I found some new lotion (Curel Itch Defense) that seems to be controlling the itchiness way better.

Also rearing it's ugly head this week is a sensitive tooth. I just went to the dentist like two weeks ago and my teeth were fine, but somehow overnight I have this tooth that is ultra sensitive. I'm hoping this is one of those things that doesn't spread and/or get worse. And yes, apparently sensitive teeth during pregnancy are pretty common. Who knows what'll show up next?

Week 8: Raspberry

Written week of December 18, 2011

Well I'm happy to report that things are starting to feel better around here. I still feel slightly nauseous, but not near as bad as it has been the last couple weeks. I do feel more tired these days but don't have that same lingering disinterest in all things as I did previously.

I forgot to mention this last week, but my pants seemingly got too tight overnight and I had to go spring for a few new pairs. Kind of weird to be wearing a larger size than I ever have in my life. But it's for a good cause. Plus I need to breathe. I'm a little surprised to be able to see a little bump so soon. I thought I wouldn't see anything for a least several more weeks. Also, how come nobody ever mentions the almost instantaneous drastic changes on the digestive system? Probably half this bump is from all the gas stored up in there. Geez. Oh and don't expect to be your "regular" self. Ok I'll stop there.

Week 7: Blueberry

Written week of December 11, 2011

The mild nausea has continued this week but I'm starting to get used to it. Bad news is, seems like cheeseburgers are one of the few foods that I can eat pretty consistently. At least it contains all the food groups?

The most exciting thing that happened this week was my first ultrasound! Seth came along with me to see how everything is progressing. Surprisingly we were able to hear and see a heartbeat! And our little "peanut"! Such a trippy thing! I think we were both expecting to see a small blurry image of the baby, but weren't quite expecting to hear the heartbeat so soon. Good news is it was a strong 152 beats per minute! We came away with the first 2 pictures of our little peanut and have them proudly displayed on the fridge. Can't wait to tell the family!

We also picked a name already. Ok... not really but here's a conversation Seth and I had the day after the ultrasound:

Me: I found a name for the baby!

Seth: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah. Mah-NEE.... MAH-nee.... Muh-NEE?

Seth: Money Money Money?

Me: {laughing} No! I don't know exactly how to pronounce it.

Seth: I don't want any weird foreign names.

Me: No it's M-A-N-I..... Spanish for 'peanut'! HA!

So we now refer to our growing child as little "Money Hanson." I think it'd be a good investment, don't you?

Week 6: Small Pea

Written week of December 4, 2011

All of my week 5 symptoms continue... the sore bewbs, the mild constant nausea, the unending thirstiness... although I'm happy to say my skin is clearing up and looking better.

The hardest thing for me lately is not enjoying food like I used to. These days it's a way to try and control the nausea, though most of it isn't very appealing. I've found I have a particular aversion to chicken (even more so than usual, and especially RAW chicken... yuck) and cooked vegetables (esp. tomatoes) sound horrible. It's hard to plan my weekly menus when nothing sounds very good. The foods that have kept me going are turkey sandwiches, toast, fruit juice (orange in particular), fruit,  egg & cheese burritos, and anything dairy, especially cheese & yogurt. Water also doesn't sound very appealing, though I try to drink it as much as I can. I'd much rather have a Sprite or fruit juice, though I try to limit those because of the sugar. It's not that I crave all these foods, they're just the ones that seem least repulsive. The good news is, I don't seem to have the same intense hunger emotions as I did last week... meaning the despair and crazy need to EAT RIGHT NOW. It is a little difficult for me to feel mildly sick all the time though... I'm so used to never having any ailments.

I've also noticed that I don't really feel like doing anything. I've lost interest in blogging and cooking and just being productive in general. I swear I spend about a million hours a day on the internets or watching tv, though I don't really enjoy it all that much. Doing nothing and doing something both sound not fun. I think I need to start forcing myself to do things more often or it'll just get worse.

One note of bad news this week: Seth's grandpa died, so we'll be going to his funeral on Friday. This also means a reschedule of the first ultrasound, so we won't be seeing anything until next week. Nothing like anticipation. I still really worry about our little pea, hoping this one will hang on for the long haul. But so far so good...

Week 5: Appleseed

Note: I wrote the following entries week by week just to keep track of what was going on with my pregnancy. If you don't like reading about all the gory details of this stuff, feel free to skip it. I just figured any post was better than no post.

Starting to feel more pregnant. My bewbs continue to be sore as they were very early on and my skin has broken out horribly. So much for glowing, awesome skin (I was afraid of this). In addition to those symptoms, there are a few that are a bit more annoying. The most annoying of which is the frequent mild nausea. I'd told myself I didn't want to overeat during pregnancy, but it's getting tough to do this when the only way to stave off the mild nausea is to constantly be eating something. I can't go more than a couple hours or I really start to feel it. And when I get really hungry I have this crazy urgency like I have to eat RIGHT NOW otherwise I just start fading into this mild depression and/or anti-social despair. It's hard to explain. I'm also constantly insatiably thirsty. Which makes for unending trips to the bathroom. Also I've never been so gassy and bloated in my life.

I had my first prenatal exam this week. I decided I really like my doctor. I feel lucky to have found a good one right away without hardly trying. I never thought I'd have a male ob/gyn, but he isn't creepy or weird and does a good job of making me feel comfortable. Anyway, they just did the standard weight measurement, blood pressure, pee in a cup, followed by a pap smear, and a million blood tests. One huge bag of schwag later and I'm home. Excited to go back next week with Seth to get my first ultrasound and hopefully see something in there. Maybe even a heartbeat?

The Big Decision

It was a day like any other day. I got up, went to work, came home to our little apartment and crashed with Seth on the couch for a little relaxing t.v. time while we talked about our days. We covered the usual topics: coworkers, bosses, the latest gossip and then out of the blue, Seth dropped the bomb.

"I've been thinking about it and I think as soon as your IUD expires (the next month...) we should just have it removed and start trying for a kid."

As soon as I lifted my jaw up from the floor, my mouth started moving a million miles a minute.

"But I thought we were going to wait another year. Do we have enough money? What about your school?"

All questions came up with reasonable answers followed by "We'll make it work, we're in a good position right now and I don't think we should wait. Plus, I really want to be a dad."

That last one: "I want to be a dad". How could I argue with that?

Then came the real reason why I was stalling: "I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. What if I don't like kids? What if our relationship changes? What if I get fat and ugly and I'm a horrible mom and then you want to leave me?"

The thought of having kids always terrified me. My life had been a certain way for so long, it was hard to imagine it being any different. Things were good. I liked our life. Throwing in this huge change could affect so many things, and I was scared the change would be negative.

This time Seth was the voice of calm and reason. He assured me that it would be impossible for him to love me less and if anything, his love would increase. He assured me that we would work out the financial details and that we wouldn't starve to death. That he would support me and help me. And then I agreed. And then I sobbed for a good 15 minutes all while assuring Seth I was fine and just needed to let all these pent up feelings out. "Yes I know I'm crazy {sobbing} I'm fine I swear {sobbing} just ignore me... this is going to continue for a few more minutes {sobbing}"

Somehow finally getting off the fence about whether we were going to have kids made the idea less scary. We would have kids (so long as we were able) and that was that. While the idea was still scary, I was getting used to it. All of a sudden I was interested in all things pregnancy: checking my temperature and other things to monitor ovulation times, going to the doctor to get an exam and pre-natal vitamins. It was all sort of a trippy dream. Like I was in some alternate universe. A universe where all of a sudden I'm TRYING to get pregnant, not avoiding it like the plague.

About 9 (emotionally exhausting) months later, just about the time I was starting to think my body was rejecting the idea of having children, it happened. I got pregnant. And this time it stuck. That's right people: I'm pregnant! 11 weeks to be exact, with a due date of July 29th. The adventure has begun...