They're at it Again

It's 1:00am and I stumble out of bed in the dark and head to the bathroom. Shouldn't have had that extra glass of water before bed. I close the door to the bathroom and flip on the light. As I'm sitting there pondering the meaning of life and minding my own business, I see some movement in the bathtub and the hairs raise on the back of my neck. It's a big bad wolf spider, and it's climbing out of the tub.

I'm mid-stream when this is all happening and I finish my business as quickly as possible so I can get out of the way of my quickly approaching attacker. I'm ill equipped in my sleeping garb and bare feet. I look around me straining to find some sort of weapon. Seth is sleeping soundly in the room next to me, unaware of the terrifying event taking place.

I grab the first viable option I see: a can of hairspray. I stand back and spray the emerging spider and it falls back into the bottom of the tub. I rush forward as fast as possible and turn the water on, furiously trying to splash this huge monster in an attempt to wash it back down the dark drain where it surely came from.

But, to my horror, I am too slow. He has escaped my drowning attempts and made his way over to the shower curtain. I try to pull it away before it can climb up and into the curtain's protective folds, but again I am too late.

For several minutes I dart forward and back, pulling at the outside curtain, trying futilely to find the chill inducing Houdini. After a few tries I finally catch a glimpse of the spider. He is half-way up the curtain. I jump back and grab the hairspray again. I pelt the curtain with the spray, but it does nothing. The attacker is safely tucked back into one of the large folds in the curtain. And then I lose him again.

I stand there on the cold floor frozen in fear. What am I going to do? I can't just let this spider get away. He is sure to attack me again in the morning and I will never sleep knowing there is a large hairy wolf spider roaming freely. I make a final decision. I need reinforcements.

I open the door to the bathroom and let the light shine into the bedroom. Seth is lying on his back and I can't tell if he is still asleep or not. I slowly climb onto the bed on all fours, staring down at him, studying his eyelids to see if they are cracked open. Suddenly Seth is startled awake by my presence. "What's going on? What time is it?" he says in a cranky voice, obviously disturbed from a restful state. "THERE'S A BIG GIANT SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM AND IT'S LOST IN THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND I NEED YOU TO KILL IT!" I say in desperation. My knight in shining armor immediately gets out of the warm cocoon of soft bedding and heads into the bright bathroom to rid me of my attacker.

I tell him the spider is near the top of the inside curtain and he pulls it open to look. Suddenly the spider climbs over the top of the shower rod and is just inches away from Seth. "AH!! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT THERE!" I half-scream. Seth steps back in a non-phased manner and grabs a couple sheets of toilet paper. Toilet Paper. This brave brave man is using toilet paper to kill a WOLF SPIDER. He grabs the spider and then opens the tissue to make sure the spider was killed/captured. It is still alive and starts climbing out, but no matter, he nonchalantly wraps it back up again. "THROW IN IT IN TOILET QUICK!!" I yell, obviously more alarmed than Seth. He slowly opens the lid and throws it in. "HURRY FLUSH IT!!" Seth, flushes the toilet and the spider is gone. "You're my hero" I say as I hug my sleepy husband. He chuckles at my insanity and climbs back in bed. I climb in after him and snuggle up. This is my spider killer. My wonderful spider killing husband.

Arachnophobia

They say a "phobia" is an irrational fear of something. My fear of spiders is not irrational... they really are out to get me. And no, they're not "just spiders", they are highly intelligent and are conspiring against me, plotting to bring me down.

Lately these little buggers have really hunkered down and I can tell they're getting serious. I think they got really pissed off when I wrote about spiders in my "things that must go" blog entry. Soon after I'd written that they launched a surprise attack that lasted for several days.

Seth and I were lying in bed one night, trying to go to sleep, when I felt a little tickle on my shoulder. 99% of the time when this happens I figure it's just my skin feeling buggy or a strand of hair, so I brushed my shoulder and waited just to make sure it went away. Not only did the tickle not go away, I felt it go back up across my chest... there was something on me! I screamed and grabbed at my chest latching onto something about the size of a large pea. I sat up and threw it off and started brushing off the sheets in a panic. Seth, thinking I was having a bad dream, grabbed me and said "it's OK!" but I was like, "No! There was a bug on me!"

I didn't see whatever had been crawling on me, even after looking around the room the next day, but I knew it would turn up sooner or later. I was no longer safe in my own home and continued to feel as though there were bugs crawling on me throughout the week.

Because of my fear of spiders, my mind is unconsciously on continuous lookout for them. I call it my spider radar, because usually if there is a visible spider in the room, I'll see it. Growing up the rule was that if you saw the spider you had to kill it. This presented a problem for me as I was ALWAYS the one to see them. I came up with multiple inventions to try and kill them from a distance including a telescoping pole with a paper towel on the end, spraying them with strong bathroom cleaner or just plain stomping on them. I WILL NOT simply grab a spider with a tissue and throw it in the trash. I know for a fact that if I do this, the spider will jump on me as I'm about to grab it. Or, as has happened before, I'd squish the spider in a tissue and check to make sure it was dead only to have it start to crawl out after me. My sisters always thought my fear of spiders was funny, so they never helped me out. I'd beg them to kill the spiders for me and they'd tell me to do it myself, which they knew that I always would. I could never just let a spider go, otherwise he'd disappear in the house somewhere and pop up on my towel or something. There is nothing more frightening to me than an escaped spider.

So, a couple nights after the bed bug fiasco I decided to take a nice bath and read before going to bed. After I was done, I dried off and headed back to the bedroom to get dressed for bed. There it was up high on the wall, guarding the closet. I quickly scanned the size of it's body and realized that this little spider was the one that'd run across my chest just a couple days earlier. I stood there frozen in fear, hair bristling on the back of my neck, goosebumps covering my skin from head to toe. Here I was faced with the one spider that I had vowed my revenge on and I was naked and helpless. I couldn't even get into the closet to get dressed first because he was blocking it. If I sprayed him with a strong cleaner, he'd definitely fall behind the large boxes that were directly below him and scurry into the closet to wait for me in a pair of shoes.

I was on the verge of burning the place down when an idea flashed into my head... the vacuum!!! It was genius! My treasured super suction Dyson vacuum with the extra long telescoping wand would demolish this little bastard! I quickly ran down the hall into the living room where the vacuum was ready and waiting. Like lightening I dragged the vacuum down the hall and stopped in front of the bedroom door to get the wand ready. My eyes flashed back to look at the power cord to make sure it was still plugged in... it was... spider here I come! Slowly I pulled the vacuum behind me as I went back into the bedroom... the spider was still in position. I raised the wand up until it was just inches away from his black hairy body and then WHAM! I slammed the power button on and my nemesis was sucked into a dusty whirling grave.

Still skeptical that the spider was dead, I made sure to run the vacuum over the entire apartment sucking up big chunks of dirt that were sure to pummel him on their way into the canister. As a final piece of insurance I emptied the canister into the trash and sprayed down the spoils with the strongest cleaner I had.

Those spiders started to panic when they found out I was moving out of that apartment before they could kill me. On the last day of my move, they sent in the Green Beret. I was doing a last check for small items when I opened the door to the bedroom. There on the end of the bare mattress was a giant wolf spider. He started to hide, but it was too late... he'd been spotted. He had hoped to make a permanent hiding spot out of my bed so he could crawl on me and get me while I was sleeping, but he'd gotten sloppy and now his cover was blown. Immediately my mind turned again to my super spider sucking vacuum. In one fell swoop I had the wand out and my trigger finger slammed down the power button. DIE!!! Up the vacuum he went to join his other buddy in the spider graveyard. Once again I ran the vacuum for several minutes to drain the life out of him and then sprayed the canister contents with a strong cleaner. Take that damn spiders! See you in hell!

My List of Things That Must Go

Ok so for all of you who listen to Radio from Hell on X96 you'll recognize this as a segment that they do on a weekly basis. I have submitted a couple small lists of things that bug me, but they haven't read them yet and I'm not sure if they ever will so I'm just going to air my frustrations here...

1. Dancing sign holders: There are two cell phone companies here in Layton who employ teenagers to hold signs out on the sidewalk to draw attention to their businesses. While I'm not opposed to this, I am opposed to their crazy antics. There used to be just one sign holder that I see when I come home from work in the evening. He wears this big black afro wig and used to wear the scary face mask from the movie "Scream"-- don't ask me why. Not only does he wear this stupid getup, he also hops/dances around. I daydream about egging him as I drive by. Then, a second one showed up less than a mile down the street. Believe it or not, the second one was worse. It took me several days to figure out what his sign even said because he would wiggle the sign and shimmy his hips from side to side at an alarming rate. I'm surprised his limbs haven't flown off. He keeps this up for hours at a time with no sign of slowing. It's incredible. He's got to be on meth or something. So, I thought that was as bad as it could get.... wrong. There is a third sign holder that has joined the club. Also within the same mile as the other two. He chooses to hold his sign on the corner of the intersection so I have to sit there and see him and his dumb sign for the duration of the stop light. I still haven't been able to make out what the third guy's sign says. He must have rotating handles on his because he spins it around and does 360 jumps in the air and plays his like a guitar. I think he was a fire baton twirler in a previous life. It's ridiculous. One of these days I'm going to snap and jump out of my car, grab him by his shirt and shake him back and forth and say "JUST HOLD THE DAMN SIGN!"

2. Using the word "bunching" when referring to heavy traffic. It sounds like a maxi pad commercial. It grosses me out.

3. Spiders in the bathroom. Why do they always have to be there when I'm just waking up in the morning? I can't handle a battle with a big ugly spider when I'm naked and barefoot getting into the shower. I don't like to do battle when I'm fully armed with shoes and clear vision! It's not fair to pick on me when the only defense I have is morning breath. How do those things get in there anyway? Are they climbing up the drain?

4. Low Rise Jeans: Is it too much to ask for a pair of jeans that doesn't show my butt crack when I bend over? I'm not asking for tapered mommy jeans that go up to my arm pits, just something reasonable!

5. Hocking a loogey. I know that everybody has times where they need to get rid of all that phlegm in their throats, but do you really need to do it in public? To me the sound is worse than that of someone vomiting. Please go somewhere where I can't see or hear you!