This blog sure has been in a funk lately. It originally lost attention because of house hunting (now house fixing up) priorities. Then our main computer broke (still not fixed) and I was left to type on a shared laptop on a TV tray or lap. Not ideal or fun.
Then the writer’s block hit. I swear I’ve been wanting to write something amazing here for a long time but it’s like all my ideas have jumped out of my brain, never to return. So then I thought I’d write about nothing. Turns out that’s hard to do as well… as you can tell from this post.
And there are always things I’d like to write about. But I can’t. Either it’s just not the right time, or I can’t find the words, or I don’t have the courage to do so. So I let those things sit on the backburner and hope that one day maybe they can be shared. Or not. Maybe it doesn’t make a difference if I write them. Or maybe it would make too much of a difference and that’s what I’m scared of. I wonder how many people have the same sort of things they’d like to say but don’t.
Do you think it’s possible that in reality we could say what we wanted to everyone but don’t because of how we think they’d react? I mean hopefully we all have at least one person we can talk to where the filters are always down… where we can say what we think or feel without fear of judgment or anger. Do you think that is possible to achieve in all our personal relationships? Or does there always have to be those people that need the filters? It just seems like there are a lot of relationships that aren’t developed into something deeper because of fear. Fear of offense mainly. We don’t ask questions or talk about certain things because we don’t want to rock the boat… but should we rock the boat? I mean for the greater purpose of deepening relationships and increasing communication and understanding? I wonder sometimes if I’m too robotic in my approach to people. Where there’s not enough giving of who I am and not enough taking. ‘Taking’ in the sense of digging deeper into people… of asking them scary questions. And at what point does that questioning become nosy and intrusive?
Wow this turned out to be a much more serious post than I thought would happen. I guess it’s hard to know what’s in your brain until you let it out. Feel free to comment on my ramblings if you feel so inclined.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Ramblings
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7 comments:
Wow Karen, this was quite the one-two punch with the cabinets post and then this one! Seriously though, I'll try to contribute what my addled mind is capable of.
I hate to start this way, but I suspect my response to your question is yes and no. Yes in the sense that I hope it is possible to interact in a true and real way and no in that it is rarely possible to be completely without filters. But I think I may mean something slightly different by 'filters'. I like to think that in my closest relationships I am available for anything. On the other hand, I try not to reveal much of my own worries and fears. Not because I am afraid that they will not be received, but because I would rather not pile all of that on someone else. I hope that my closest relationships would be able to withstand such battering if it were needed.
I suppose in all relationships there is a balance of giving and taking and it is a hard one to strike. I think it may be a relationship by relationship examination and no single approach will work with everyone. I do know that openess and honesty are requirements. I know I would hate to find that someone had felt burdened by me.
Hmm, I think I may be straying a little here. I'll try to get back on topic. I don't know if I feel that it's possible to do in a public forum (I know I would have a hard time). For one thing, each reader will be a different person with different reponses. Your relationship with each of us will help dictate that. But I admire you trying to do so. And I think a lot of you shines through here: your compassion and your intelligence and your curiosity.
I don't know if I addressed your question exactly or even if my own thoughts are clear on this. Maybe I'll close with the most accurate reponse I have, "I have no freaking idea."
Wow Karen, this was quite the one-two punch with the cabinets post and then this one! Seriously though, I'll try to contribute what my addled mind is capable of.
I hate to start this way, but I suppose my response to your question is yes and no. Yes in the sense that I hope it is possible to interact in a true and real way and no in that it is rarely possible to be completely without filters. But I think I may mean something slightly different by 'filters'. I like to think that in my closest relationships I am available for anything. On the other hand, I try not to reveal much of my own worries and fears. Not because I am afraid that they will not be received, but because I would rather not pile all of that on someone else. I hope that all my relationships would be able to withstand such battering if it were needed.
I suppose in all relationships there is a balance of giving and taking and it is a hard one to strike. I think it may be a relationship by relationship examination and no single approach will work with everyone. I know I would hate to find that someone had felt burdened by me.
Hmm, I think I may be straying a little here. I'll try to get back on topic. I don't know if I feel that it's possible to do in a public forum (I know I would have a hard time). For one thing, each reader will be a different person with different reponses. Your relationship with each of us will help dictate that. But I admire you trying to do so. And I think a lot of you shines through here: your compassion and your intelligence and your curiosity.
I don't know if I've exactly addressed your question, but will close with my most accurate response, "I have no freaking idea."
I think you shouldn't be so scared. I'm sure you would learn a lot about people if you gave them the benefit of the doubt. They may not react as you think they might. It doesn't do you any good to be fake around people.(Not being who you really are) Besides, how can you remember how fake to be? For some people you have to be more fake than around others. It makes things too complicated. I'm not saying that you have to be rude about it, ask tactfully, but you may be surprised how much your relationships DO grow, putting it all out there. (Remember tact).
The one person that knows everything about me is my husband. Despite what I think or say, he still loves me and doesn't think badly about me. There are more people out there besides our significant others that love us unconditionally, but often times we are too afraid to let them.
This is such a fascinating, engaging post!
But then you know what I think about all that.
Okay, so I do have more to say.
Paul just thought it'd be funny, for once, for HIM to write a "novel" and for ME to have a two-sentence comment. :D And since he'd already written the lengthy comment, I just had to do my little part...
Speaking of Paul's lengthy comment: I'm so impressed at how much your post inspired him to share! And Budsly's comments were really interesting, too. I was completely cracked up by her thoughts about the difficulties of being insincere in different degrees to different people: how can you remember how fake to be?
HA! But I was also so moved by her idea about there being more people out there willing to love us unconditionally, if only we are willing to let them.
So—where to begin on my own thoughts? You know, I’ve given serious reflection to this post every single day since I first read it!
I’ve been thinking about openness and vulnerability and fear. I read an interview with comedian Maria Bamford in, I think, an AV Club article (both an interview, and a person, that I think you’d LOVE) and she had this to say: "There’s something about being sincere that makes you feel super vulnerable. If you say, 'This is how I feel about this,'—at least for me, it’s a protective thing.”
That’s pretty common, isn’t it? This feeling of wanting to hold back in fear of judgment, and feeling uncomfortably exposed. I can relate to that, in some cases—I certainly live in constant aversion to any disapproval of any kind. But I don’t have a hard time being open, generally—in fact, I actually have a fairly impossible time NOT being open. And I spend a significant amount of time with friends feeling like the encounter is somewhat disappointingly on the surface… I long for meaningful connection and just hanging out feels like a waste of a very finite existence.
I sound like a lot of fun at parties, huh??
I hope it’s obvious (to people that know me) that I do love fun. And maybe what I’m on the constant search for isn’t these intense philosophical discussions but just, interactions that are heartfelt and genuine. I love spending time with kids, for instance, and often the conversation is about not super deep ideas, but deeply FELT things.
And I feel like I hunger and thirst for more kidlike transparency and heartfelt openness in the adults I know.
Because it can be hard to be the main one in the room that is exposed and vulnerable and real. And being guarded just isn’t for me. It’s not what I do… Although at the same time: well, it’s just HORRIFYING to me, the idea of people being made uncomfortable by my openness, finding it intrusive.
And I think… well, I think that figuring out how open to be with people is more than a personal, internal decision—it’s also a really tricky, delicate negotiation with the other person. I’m reminded of what Budsly said about unconditional acceptance being available if we reach for it… I LOVE that. And I’m scared that it’s much harder to ask for and receive unconditional acceptance and love than it should be.
ACK! This is hard to put into words, Karen. I’m impressed you were able to post about this.
(part 1)
Anyway, I guess what I’m thinking about is hinted at in the title of a favorite book of mine: “Love is Never Enough.” There was a time when that title deeply offended my inner sensibilities.
Now I believe it to be all too true. Although I think the author means, love ALONE is never enough.
Basically, the thesis is: that in intimate relationships--marriage, especially--people can love each other deeply—but that the relationship survives and thrives only if the partners have developed their communication skills, and their ability to work openly and directly on conflicts.
Amen.
That’s the seemingly very simplistic understanding that I have to add to this discussion. We glorify unconditional love; but so many relationships are ruined for other omissions. I think that’s where our society (and myself, for most of my life) is/was really immature and unskilled. We don’t want to offend anyone with our honest--and sometimes negative--feelings, so we avoid saying anything. But our actions and subtle vibes often speak in our stead, and in ways that are often less clear and loving than the words we wish we could say would be. It’s taken me years of living and many, many therapy sessions to figure that out! But that’s what I know—that people can love each other a lot, yet in order for things to work out, they also have to be able to talk about how things are going between them… because there’s no such thing as uninterrupted unconditional acceptance. We can love a person wholly—but we can’t always love everything they do—and if we can’t TELL them that, then we will feel worse and worse. And so will they. Because our actions and vibes will say what our words ATTEMPT to hide. (I have tried to be subtle sometimes, and people see right through me. At least, they see that I'm bothered--but they don't know what about or what they are supposed to do.)
I’m bothered that all of this seems not quite on your topic of Being Real with others—but it feels connected, to me. I guess I feel like a semi-authority on being real, because it’s what I’m trying to do ALL THE TIME. And it works out okay, mostly. But it helps A LOT if I manage to do that with people who are interested in being real, back. And it took me a long time to see this, because I want other people to dwell happily in their own comfort zone, and if it’s different from mine, that should be fine. But I’ve slowly discovered that it’s unsustainable to be the main/only one that shares—it disrupts the balance, making the listener seem like a parental or therapeutic figure, and I'm the child. Or patient. But I want and intend to be an equally mature, interested, supportive Unconditional Listener and Accepter. And I can only do that--and they can only experience that--if the other person shares, too.
So openness in others is of stupendous wonderfulness and value to me. But the basic thing that truly matters—to me, now—is the relationship ITSELF being open. Being able to talk about what's going on is the only thing that can make a relationship strong and safe: knowing that you can be upset with someone, and tell them—or that you can screw up and do something that bothers them, and they can tell you--and that either way, they and you will be okay.
THAT’S what came to mind in the time since you posted this. That it definitely, from my point of view, is worth it to be real. But that it’s helpful to be real with people who reciprocate—and that it’s essential to do so with people who can talk about their and your lapses in unconditional acceptance. Cuz we can’t help it. We can’t help having annoyed or angry feelings. But we can heal those feelings, if they can be heard and accepted. And we can’t help but experience breaks in every relationship...
(part 2)
...but we can try to fix them. Or, sometimes we can… My therapist says, “Human beings are great at creating conflict. But we tend to be terrible at resolving it.”
This has become so profound an insight to me... along with the profound question of whether I want to be the kind of person who breaks herself open in the process of learning how to resolve conflicts...
And, when it comes to probing and asking questions and where that becomes nosy and intrusive... Hmmm. I guess there are, possibly, people who are virtual mindreaders
when it comes to reading others' body language and so on, and so can just KNOW when they're being intrusive. I feel I am not one of those people--I need to be told. It is deeply reassuring to me, to be told and have a chance to reconnect and repair. It's devastating to not be told and discover I've been hamfistedly knocking others around without knowing it. I can't mindread! But I WISH I could! And for a long time I've expected it of myself and blamed myself for any lapses in it. Now I guess I've accepted that I can't do Other People's work for them. I can't figure out what they don't share.
So... I think it is, basically, possible to be real with most people without a whole lot of filters--because if I'm not deluding myself, I am. Although I don't disclose everything to everyone. But it's not all about my own willingness to be real... it's about them, too.
Finally:
SHOULD we rock the boat? SHOULD we live in fear?
I say YES! And NO! Yes to upsetting the status quo and no to living in fear.
But... but. I think the waters have to be tested, first, and gently--and I think you are far more expert at that than I am!
And it is, I think, fairly devastating when being real doesn't work out, and you can't take it back, and you can't fix it...
But I can't see quitting the attempt. And the reason has to do with something that a woman named Rhonda Somethingorother wrote in a book of hers--that you can never EXPERIENCE being unconditionally loved unless you actually show your true self. As long as you hide, as long as you share in limited amounts, you will never feel truly accepted and received for the fullness of your inner self. Others can't love what they don't know--and you can't feel seen and accepted for what you don't show.
That struck me as so profound, I hope I did it justice.
One other thing that Rhonda whatshername says--that presenting our more perfect selves is pointless. Because others don't love us in our perfection! That's cold and inhuman and off-putting. They love us in our flawed realness!
Which I can say I definitely do, too. I like the Real You. Not just you, Kay--all the Real Yous out there.
But You, K, especially!
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