Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Big Decision

It was a day like any other day. I got up, went to work, came home to our little apartment and crashed with Seth on the couch for a little relaxing t.v. time while we talked about our days. We covered the usual topics: coworkers, bosses, the latest gossip and then out of the blue, Seth dropped the bomb.

"I've been thinking about it and I think as soon as your IUD expires (the next month...) we should just have it removed and start trying for a kid."

As soon as I lifted my jaw up from the floor, my mouth started moving a million miles a minute.

"But I thought we were going to wait another year. Do we have enough money? What about your school?"

All questions came up with reasonable answers followed by "We'll make it work, we're in a good position right now and I don't think we should wait. Plus, I really want to be a dad."

That last one: "I want to be a dad". How could I argue with that?

Then came the real reason why I was stalling: "I'm scared. I don't know if I can do it. What if I don't like kids? What if our relationship changes? What if I get fat and ugly and I'm a horrible mom and then you want to leave me?"

The thought of having kids always terrified me. My life had been a certain way for so long, it was hard to imagine it being any different. Things were good. I liked our life. Throwing in this huge change could affect so many things, and I was scared the change would be negative.

This time Seth was the voice of calm and reason. He assured me that it would be impossible for him to love me less and if anything, his love would increase. He assured me that we would work out the financial details and that we wouldn't starve to death. That he would support me and help me. And then I agreed. And then I sobbed for a good 15 minutes all while assuring Seth I was fine and just needed to let all these pent up feelings out. "Yes I know I'm crazy {sobbing} I'm fine I swear {sobbing} just ignore me... this is going to continue for a few more minutes {sobbing}"

Somehow finally getting off the fence about whether we were going to have kids made the idea less scary. We would have kids (so long as we were able) and that was that. While the idea was still scary, I was getting used to it. All of a sudden I was interested in all things pregnancy: checking my temperature and other things to monitor ovulation times, going to the doctor to get an exam and pre-natal vitamins. It was all sort of a trippy dream. Like I was in some alternate universe. A universe where all of a sudden I'm TRYING to get pregnant, not avoiding it like the plague.

About 9 (emotionally exhausting) months later, just about the time I was starting to think my body was rejecting the idea of having children, it happened. I got pregnant. And this time it stuck. That's right people: I'm pregnant! 11 weeks to be exact, with a due date of July 29th. The adventure has begun...


Paul said...

I can only say, CONGRATULATIONS.

Seth said...

Greatest blog post ever. Hooray for us! :-D

Budsly said...

I'm very excited for you. Having kids is definately a life changer, but for the better. There is nothing that will make you a better person faster than having a kid.

I've never cried harder or laughed harder. It is awesome when you're child smiles at you, says I love you, just cuddles with you, or just figures out how to crawl or walk or eat.

You'll be great. Enjoy the ride!

Jeff said...

Congratulations to you both! It'll be a fun exciting ride.

Melissa said...

Congratulations!! I'm so excited for you guys. You will be great parents. Annie's right, it's life changing in a really good way. I hope the pregnancy is going well. How are you feeling?

Melissa said...

Oh, that Melissa comment was from me....Melissa Doney Holmstead.....I know I don't usually comment but with big news like this how can I not?!

heidi said...

Hooray for you!!

p.s. Apparently the way to get your loyal readers to post a bunch of comments, FAST, is to make a major, life-changing announcement. You should do one every week!

p.p.s. Cory made a similar announcement to us around New Year's. The minor difference is that he's decided to never have kids. The similar thing is that his decision involved lots of tears, and needing Seth's reassurance that he would not be loved less as a result of his decision. And of course, there's all the similar stuff that goes along with pregnancy, only the opposite. Like drinking and eating whatever he wants.

Um... and he'll have to confirm this, but I think his due date is also July 29th.

p.p.p.s. I hope my above silliness struck you as funny. I didn't want to congratulate you the same old way everybody else did. On the slightly serious side--glad your due date isn't a week earlier--you shouldn't have to give up your birthday in addition to your freedom! :)

Hope being preggers is going well. Excited to learn the sex of the baby! Are you going to find out or keep it a surprise?

Finally: if you need some baby names, I have killer ones. Starting with a P, or an H, depending. :D

thebluemuse said...

WOOHOO! What an awesome post! Congratulations to you both. Can't wait to read about the journey. :) Also, thanks for giving voice to many of the same thoughts/fears I've been thinking but haven't said out loud. Way to read my mind. ha!

Rachel said...

I love this post.

And I must say, for all my exhaustion and grumbling, having babies was the best darn thing I ever did. Those two little boys are my whole heart. It didn't know I could love another person so wholly until I became a mother. It's the hardest damn thing you will ever do. But it's totally worth it.

Collette Smith said...

Mom read this wonderful post to me over the phone--made me feel all happy and glowy inside!