Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Worst Thing

Nobody ever asks what the worst part of you is. I don't mean physically. I mean, the worst part of your personality. Your worst trait. Sure people might ask about your faults or weaknesses, but is that the same thing? I mean if you really take a good look at yourself, what's the very worst part of your character?

What is the very worst thing about me? When I asked myself this question I didn't really have an answer. I mean the question sounds kind of harsh. Is there really something about me that's so horrible it's the "worst"? If I don't come up with something legitimate does that mean I'm an egomaniac? I mean it's not like you can give yourself some b.s. answer like "sometimes I care TOO much."

So I'm going to try and dig deep and be totally honest with myself: I think the worst thing about me is I'm self-centered. Part of this stems from the introverted base of my personality of which it would be very hard for me to deviate substantially. It's tough for me to dig in and actively ask people about themselves if a conversation hasn't already been started. It requires a lot of inner pep talk and reassurance that I won't, in fact, make myself look like an idiot by asking someone a question about themselves. But, aside from this part of my introversion, I think I actively avoid contact with other people, especially people I'm not inherently comfortable around.

I'm very selfish with my time. I don't have a whole lot of friends and the reason is because it takes up too much time. What do I do with my time that's so important? Well, not a whole lot, actually. But that's what I like to do. Having conversations and hanging out with people takes effort and usually I'm just too lazy for that. It's easier to stay inside myself and not share.

About 90% of the time when someone tells me a very important detail about their life, I forget about it completely. Oh you're pregnant? Must have slipped my mind. What is it you're studying at school? Do tell me for the 100th time. And the thing is, I have this expectation that other people should remember these things about me. You haven't been keeping track of how old my darling daughter is? Shame. You haven't read every last blog post I've ever written and remembered everything I said? Hmmm.... I don't know if we can be friends. The thing is, I should remember all these things. When somebody tells me important details about their life, it's like there's this switch in my brain that makes the lights go out and the idiot takes over. I notice this especially when there are 3 or more people involved in the conversation and the other person will ask a very obvious question and I think, "Why didn't I ask that? Duh. Now I look like a jerk." And it's hard to tell if I just have a really bad memory or if I'm just too self-centered to make the effort to remember.

Then there's the avoidance issues. If someone calls me and I don't recognize the number, I NEVER answer. If someone knocks on my door and I'm just not in the mood to talk to them, I don't answer. To be fair this doesn't apply to close family or friends, but I've been known to avoid neighbors. If my mood doesn't coincide with their needs, too bad. Better luck next time. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but probably not as much as I should.

So there you go. The worst thing. It's kind of nice to now what it is actually. Helps keep me grounded. Plus for a while there I was beginning to think I was devoid of flaws. Nice to know I can fit in with the common folk.


Rachel said...

WHAT? Still no comments? What is WRONG with blog readers these days?

Anyway, I totally relate to the friends-take-so-much-effort thing.

Also, enjoy the hiding from unexpected visitors thing while you can. Pretty soon Sylvie will hear a knock on the door and enthusiastically answer it. Or, alternatively, open up the window and holler out that her mommy is home but that she doesn't want to come to the door right now.

Fortunately, I have read every single one of your blog posts and memorized the content of each, so we can totally still be friends.

Except that I'm maybe still offended by your review of The Good Earth.

Karen said...

AH! I totally forgot about the child running to the door scenario. Hmm... better brainwash her into thinking it's the boogeyman or something... :D