Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Things That Must Go

I haven't done one of these posts for a while, but I finally collected enough things to piss me off to make a formal post and plea to the public. Here it is, my list of "Things that Must Go:"


If I hear one more reference to the "Zombie Apocalypse" I'm going to lose it. There's zombie movies and zombie books, zombie paintings and races. Zombie this and that. During their emergency preparedness meetings the leaders of our cities, states, and countries are discussing their plans of attack in case of a zombie invasion. Really? Now there's a good use of my hard earned money. Thanks for wasting it on nonsense. I'll tell you one thing, it's not the zombies they need to worry about. They should be making plans on how to stop my fist from apocalypsing their faces.

Shifty Toilet Seats

There you are, minding your own business. Either you're just sitting down or finishing up... the slightest bit of movement and WHAM. The toilet seat shifts ever so slightly and for one split second your life flashes before your eyes. Your arms fly up in a flailing spasm all whilst your brain goes through the events that will surely precede your imminent death or humiliation: you're going to fly off the toilet and hit your head on the tile and get knocked out and then someone will find you unconscious with your pants around your ankles with your bare butt in the air.

And then as quick as it started, you resume your balance and try to recover from the mild heart attack brought on by a loose $.25 plastic nut.

Reinventing the Pizza

Back in the day all the pizza joints made regular pizzas with regular toppings and everybody was happy. But then for some reason all the pizza execs decided this wasn't good enough. The people need pizza in crazy shapes and forms. They need cheese in all the places! They need an endless variety of other foods BESIDES pizza. So now not only do we have regular pizza, we have a whole bucket full of mediocre overpriced options to choose from: cheese stuffed pizza crust, pasta, pizza with sugar on it, buffalo wings, chicken strips, thin crust, thick crust, no crust, giant pizza, tiny pizza, breadsticks filled with pizza, breadsticks filled with sugar, twisty breadsticks, mini breadsticks, diet pizza, triple crazy pizza!

Here's a tip: If you want to be a commercial pizza chain, just make good pizza. That's all you have to do. And just stop with all that other crap. Nobody wants it.

Office Speaker Phone Users

I get it. You're on a conference call and you'd like to have your hands free to do other things while you're listening. If you're lucky enough to have a door on your office, go ahead and close it and push that speaker phone button. For all other scenarios, suck it up buttercup. No, you may not leave your door open and make everyone else listen to the conference call you're having with your foreign cohorts:

"Hallo? Oh yesh hwe are bery eenteresteed een yor products. Hwe deecideed to haf dees meeting in zee bahthroom ver eet ees very echoey, no?"
I'm not joking. This is pretty much the conversation I overheard the other day at work. Ok no, they weren't in a bathroom, but it sounded like it. That or a dryer. 20 foreigners jabbering loudly for a half hour while I sit and seethe at my desk. So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop with the speaker phone.
So, just as before, if you are contributing in any way to any of these things, STOP IT!


Rachel said...

Briar was just recently ranting to me about her annoyance with our culture's recent zombie apocalypse obsession.

I do, however, truly love Pizza Hut's chocolate breadsticks. Oh, sweet heaven.