Sunday, November 15, 2009

They're at it Again

It's 1:00am and I stumble out of bed in the dark and head to the bathroom. Shouldn't have had that extra glass of water before bed. I close the door to the bathroom and flip on the light. As I'm sitting there pondering the meaning of life and minding my own business, I see some movement in the bathtub and the hairs raise on the back of my neck. It's a big bad wolf spider, and it's climbing out of the tub.

I'm mid-stream when this is all happening and I finish my business as quickly as possible so I can get out of the way of my quickly approaching attacker. I'm ill equipped in my sleeping garb and bare feet. I look around me straining to find some sort of weapon. Seth is sleeping soundly in the room next to me, unaware of the terrifying event taking place.

I grab the first viable option I see: a can of hairspray. I stand back and spray the emerging spider and it falls back into the bottom of the tub. I rush forward as fast as possible and turn the water on, furiously trying to splash this huge monster in an attempt to wash it back down the dark drain where it surely came from.

But, to my horror, I am too slow. He has escaped my drowning attempts and made his way over to the shower curtain. I try to pull it away before it can climb up and into the curtain's protective folds, but again I am too late.

For several minutes I dart forward and back, pulling at the outside curtain, trying futilely to find the chill inducing Houdini. After a few tries I finally catch a glimpse of the spider. He is half-way up the curtain. I jump back and grab the hairspray again. I pelt the curtain with the spray, but it does nothing. The attacker is safely tucked back into one of the large folds in the curtain. And then I lose him again.

I stand there on the cold floor frozen in fear. What am I going to do? I can't just let this spider get away. He is sure to attack me again in the morning and I will never sleep knowing there is a large hairy wolf spider roaming freely. I make a final decision. I need reinforcements.

I open the door to the bathroom and let the light shine into the bedroom. Seth is lying on his back and I can't tell if he is still asleep or not. I slowly climb onto the bed on all fours, staring down at him, studying his eyelids to see if they are cracked open. Suddenly Seth is startled awake by my presence. "What's going on? What time is it?" he says in a cranky voice, obviously disturbed from a restful state. "THERE'S A BIG GIANT SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM AND IT'S LOST IN THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND I NEED YOU TO KILL IT!" I say in desperation. My knight in shining armor immediately gets out of the warm cocoon of soft bedding and heads into the bright bathroom to rid me of my attacker.

I tell him the spider is near the top of the inside curtain and he pulls it open to look. Suddenly the spider climbs over the top of the shower rod and is just inches away from Seth. "AH!! IT'S RIGHT THERE! IT'S RIGHT THERE!" I half-scream. Seth steps back in a non-phased manner and grabs a couple sheets of toilet paper. Toilet Paper. This brave brave man is using toilet paper to kill a WOLF SPIDER. He grabs the spider and then opens the tissue to make sure the spider was killed/captured. It is still alive and starts climbing out, but no matter, he nonchalantly wraps it back up again. "THROW IN IT IN TOILET QUICK!!" I yell, obviously more alarmed than Seth. He slowly opens the lid and throws it in. "HURRY FLUSH IT!!" Seth, flushes the toilet and the spider is gone. "You're my hero" I say as I hug my sleepy husband. He chuckles at my insanity and climbs back in bed. I climb in after him and snuggle up. This is my spider killer. My wonderful spider killing husband.


Melissa said...

What a great husband. I would totally be on my own since my knight doesn't know which way is up when suddenly brought out of a deep sleep. I'm glad that you too understand that just letting it be until later is not an option. Hairy wolf spiders creep me out!!!

Budsly said...

You are a weineeee! You've always been a little over dramatic with the spiders. Do you remember the extendable pole with the wad of paper towels on the end you came up with when we were TEENAGERS? It extended just in case the spider was extra speedy :)
I'm not saying I like spiders by any means, but what happened to the fearless elder sister I know? You conquered.......I'm at a blank, but you get the point. Don't let these little creatures get the best of you. You're 1000 times bigger than they are.

Oh,and not every little spider is a WOLF SPIDER, there are other species you know.

Karen said...

Hey! I'm allowed to be scared of SOMETHING. And it's pretty much Dad's fault. He passed the arachnopobia on to me. Also, I know for a fact it was a wolf spider because they are my nemesis. Smaller spiders aren't as yucky and creepy as those wolf spiders. Trust me, I know my spiders.

Rachel said...

You are CRAZY. Around here, we practice a catch-and-release policy with our spiders-- not even joking.

Holly said...

I love this story! What a wonderful husband you have. :)

Paul said...

Wow. Figures this would attract the most comments. Much like Rachel, we just toss them outside. I do have a funny story though. When I was growing up in Reno we would also get the giant wolf spiders roaming around the house. It was a little creepy when one would have all those babies clinging to her back. I would put them outside when I caught them, but that was the rare occasion. Usually our dog would get to them first. For some reason, he enjoyed eating them. I don't know if it was the taste, the hunt, or if he just enjoyed the crunching sound they made (which you could hear from several feet away). Now that was gross.

Karen said...

My rule is, if they're inside, they're fair game. If they're brave enough to venture into the house once, they'll do it again... so the "catch and release" thing will only bring more spiders. Well, unless you catch it and drop it off 20 miles away... which is NOT happening because there's no way I'm knowingly going to ride in a car (aka enclosed space) with a wolf spider.