Friday, January 1, 2010

Why You Will Never See Ads on My Blog

Because I don't have what it takes to be a famous blogger, yo. Or something like that. I've determined the following things are needed in order to be a famous blogger:

1. A fancy custom 'masthead' that changes on a monthly basis. I had no idea what a masthead was for the longest time. Can't I just call it a 'header'? Geez.

2. A fancy custom blog page. I could have this, but I'm too damn cheap. There's no way I'm actually paying someone to create a blog layout. You see that square full of shredded cheese up there? I did that myself... after hours and hours of manipulation. I thought it would be a permanent look for this place. I'm already getting sick of it. And I'm kicking myself for not thinking of drawing a picture of myself in Paint like my sister-in-law did on her blog.

3. Lots of swears. Damn and hell are as far as I go. Not that I couldn't get more profane, but I don't normally talk like that and it would likely offend 99% of my 15 readers and I need every last person I can trick into reading this stuff. Plus I just don't have the knack for perfectly placed curses.

4. Be a professional photographer. I suck at photography. Ok, it's not necessarily that I suck at it, I just don't care enough about it to invest the time and money into making professional looking pictures. Most of the time you're lucky there's pictures at all.

5. Regular use of the words 'vintage', 'antique', and 'retro.' The only thing vintage around here is the veneer on the kitchen cabinets. I haven't visited a thrift store in several years, unless you count the handful of times I've dropped off loads of old clothes. None of my furniture looks like it's from another (cooler) decade and the only 'art' hanging on the walls is the elementary-esque oil paintings I did in my early twenties.

6. A second blog (or three or four). I had a second blog at one point, but then I was like, What's the point? Then everybody has to go check a second blog and it's just one more thing to keep up on. Ok, maybe it's better to narrow down one main genre, but I don't really care. Just skip the posts you don't like. You're lucky to get posts at all.

7. Balls. I have none. I'm not talking literally here (you already knew I didn't have those)... the figurative ones. In order to get people to read your blog you have to actually tell them about it. I feel weird plugging this thing. I'm pretty much the worst salesman ever. Also, you have to be willing tell it like it is. Seeing as how the only people who read this are my close friends and family, writing anything offensive would be a bad idea. Unless that's what you're looking for... wait, are you?

8. Interviews & Guest Writers. I'm pretty sure you need friends in order to accomplish this. Plus my interviews would probably go something like this... "What's your favorite color?" "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" "What would you do if you had a million dollars?" You get the point.

9. Witty Comments & Remarks. It takes me ten minutes to leave a comment on somebody else's blog and/or respond to a commenter on my own blog and the response tends to be something like "Wow that's awesome!" Which is why if I haven't responded back to a comment you've left me, it's probably because I spent 30 minutes staring at the screen wracking my brain for something intelligent only to get frustrated and abort the whole process.

10. I couldn't think of a final prerequisite to round out the list. See? Totally not famous blog worthy thinking skills. Meh. Who needs the pressure anyway. Ok, maybe I'd like to give it a shot.


heidi said...

FOUR posts in one day! Hallelujah... we, your blog-followers, are immensely blessed!

I think this whole post was cutely self-deprecating. But at the same time I kept thinking... but she's WRONG! Her blogging is AMAZING. (I'm intimidated at the thought of starting my own because I'd have such a high standard to try & uphold!)

But, even though you mayn't have meant it all (except tongue-in-cheek or whatever) I'm still going to respond as if you DID mean it. So...

2) I thought your blog page WAS fancy!
3) I love swears. At some point, my exposure to psychology overwhelmed other biases and made me realize, words are just WORDS. There aren't "bad" ones. That's primitive thinking. Plus, swearing's fun! But, it wouldn't make sense for you to use them here, if you don't in "real life." Still... just for the record... Paul & I (& Cory!--I know he reads this) are definitely part of the... whatever percentage it would be who would not only be unoffended, but, DELIGHTED, if you swore more. Especially if you used the big ones.
Then again... it does't disappoint me that you don't swear, either.
(Usually. :D)
4) I think your photos are exceptional!
5) Seen some of your art... it's exquisite!
7) Know what you mean; I have an awful time "promoting" myself, also. Anyway, I think loads of people become well-known by accident.
8) "Need to have friends to..."= Chuckle.
9) You're one of the wittiest people I know!

So... layout; photos; wittiness. These aspects of your blog are among three things I rate really highly. Are you saying I'm WRONG? That's UNPOSSIBLE!

I read and adore your blog 'cuz of... well, how cute and sweet and real and engaged-with-the-world you are; and your writing shows it. This blog is a secret treasure; but I myself am secretly glad it is, so that I can often get first chance to comment! Bwa ha ha!

(Looking over the above... if sheer volume of words means anything, apparently my greatest point of interest is... swearing. !Ha!)

Karen said...

Lol Heidi you're the best. UNPOSSIBLE... My favorite new word. Maybe that should be the new name of my blog... because I realized that's what #10 on my list was... a fake one-word name for your blog. :D

It's Me said...

I definately think you have the potential to be a famous blogger. Honestly reading your posts is a highlight of my day a lot of the time! You have a great talent for writing and making things interesting and funny! Love you and your blog!

It's Me said...

P.S. What IS up with the shreaded cheese header? I've been meaning to ask. I really can't think of any way that pertains to you or the blog? Just curious. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan of cheese myself.

Karen said...

The Cheese Header: Well I'd spent hours looking through random pictures and somehow it was the only one that jumped out at me #1 It's kind of weird #2 I like cheese #3 I thought it was funny #4I post a lot about food so it sort of applies. I'd like some sort of custom design but I can't for the life of me figure out what I'd even want. It's hard to find something that represents your blog adequately. So, for now, I think cheese is gonna have to be it.

Paul said...

99 percent of your 15 readers eh? So you'd offend 14.85 members of your audience? Ba-dum-dum! Ok, that qualifies as my clever comment for the day.

Rachel said...

I like your blog MUCH better than Dooce's-- and she has fancy mastheads and ridiculously beautiful photographs and lots of swears.

Holly said...

Your blog is honestly one of my favorites! I absolutely love it! You're funny, interesting, and real.

#1 - If it makes you feel any better, I had never heard the term "masthead" until reading your blog. I guess I suck because I call it a "header."
#5 - A gal after my own heart! YAY!
#9 - It only takes you ten minutes to think of a comment? You're my hero. It takes me at least an hour to come up with something and even then it's not clever! :)