Why You Will Never See Ads on My Blog

Because I don't have what it takes to be a famous blogger, yo. Or something like that. I've determined the following things are needed in order to be a famous blogger:

1. A fancy custom 'masthead' that changes on a monthly basis. I had no idea what a masthead was for the longest time. Can't I just call it a 'header'? Geez.

2. A fancy custom blog page. I could have this, but I'm too damn cheap. There's no way I'm actually paying someone to create a blog layout. You see that square full of shredded cheese up there? I did that myself... after hours and hours of manipulation. I thought it would be a permanent look for this place. I'm already getting sick of it. And I'm kicking myself for not thinking of drawing a picture of myself in Paint like my sister-in-law did on her blog.

3. Lots of swears. Damn and hell are as far as I go. Not that I couldn't get more profane, but I don't normally talk like that and it would likely offend 99% of my 15 readers and I need every last person I can trick into reading this stuff. Plus I just don't have the knack for perfectly placed curses.

4. Be a professional photographer. I suck at photography. Ok, it's not necessarily that I suck at it, I just don't care enough about it to invest the time and money into making professional looking pictures. Most of the time you're lucky there's pictures at all.

5. Regular use of the words 'vintage', 'antique', and 'retro.' The only thing vintage around here is the veneer on the kitchen cabinets. I haven't visited a thrift store in several years, unless you count the handful of times I've dropped off loads of old clothes. None of my furniture looks like it's from another (cooler) decade and the only 'art' hanging on the walls is the elementary-esque oil paintings I did in my early twenties.

6. A second blog (or three or four). I had a second blog at one point, but then I was like, What's the point? Then everybody has to go check a second blog and it's just one more thing to keep up on. Ok, maybe it's better to narrow down one main genre, but I don't really care. Just skip the posts you don't like. You're lucky to get posts at all.

7. Balls. I have none. I'm not talking literally here (you already knew I didn't have those)... the figurative ones. In order to get people to read your blog you have to actually tell them about it. I feel weird plugging this thing. I'm pretty much the worst salesman ever. Also, you have to be willing tell it like it is. Seeing as how the only people who read this are my close friends and family, writing anything offensive would be a bad idea. Unless that's what you're looking for... wait, are you?

8. Interviews & Guest Writers. I'm pretty sure you need friends in order to accomplish this. Plus my interviews would probably go something like this... "What's your favorite color?" "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" "What would you do if you had a million dollars?" You get the point.

9. Witty Comments & Remarks. It takes me ten minutes to leave a comment on somebody else's blog and/or respond to a commenter on my own blog and the response tends to be something like "Wow that's awesome!" Which is why if I haven't responded back to a comment you've left me, it's probably because I spent 30 minutes staring at the screen wracking my brain for something intelligent only to get frustrated and abort the whole process.

10. I couldn't think of a final prerequisite to round out the list. See? Totally not famous blog worthy thinking skills. Meh. Who needs the pressure anyway. Ok, maybe I'd like to give it a shot.